Shifting My Focus

Hello again. It's been a while. Let me start by saying that this blog post has been on my mind for a few weeks now, but I've held it in and isolated myself because I figured that people don't want to hear about the tough sides of weight loss, only the successes. At least, that is what I would prefer to share. Also, by nature I am usually able to find the funny side of even some of the most difficult experiences. Not so much this time. I really can't find a reason to laugh these days about the rut I am stuck in. Also, I really struggle to articulate my experience with weight loss...or weight gain...or weight maintain, which is where I am currently, even though I'd rather not be. Truthfully, I've been afraid to share my experience for a while now, questioning whether or not I'm just making excuses for myself, lacking motivation, or going through a lazy phrase. The reality is, though, that I've been trying to lose weight for years. Sometimes I've been successful, sometimes I haven't been. Either way, it has to some degree occupied my thoughts everyday for as long as I can remember.

So, this post might not be as pretty as I'd like it to be, but there are some little gems I plan on sharing. These are some things that have become very clear to me about my weight loss successes and failures. I recognize that this might not apply to everyone's experience, but, who knows? It might to some.

First of all, I've noticed that the only way we measure physical success is based on just that, the physical. If you lose weight, you're successful. If you don't, you're obviously doing it wrong...eating too many calories, eating gluten, eating refined sugar, not managing your portions, blah, blah, blah. In other words, skinny = healthy. I recognize these as some of my beliefs, some with which I am constantly at war. I find the pendulum swinging between that extreme, to the other extreme, the idea that the physical is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is personality. I don't think that either of these ideas is completely true. For one, success can be measured in many ways when it comes to the body; and two, the physical shouldn't matter to others. But, it SHOULD matter to me! I DO want to feel good, and look good. And naturally, my body really does want those things, too.

I've desperately wanted to just jump on this fitness bandwagon...the lose 100 lbs. in a year bandwagon, count calories, detox, gluten-free, refined sugar-free, dairy free, low carb, raw foods, you name it! I've tried all of these things, by the way, and some of them multiple times, and not all of them at the same time (don't worry). For a while, I'm successful, I'm focused. For a while, I feel a boost of confidence as the weight comes falling off, I buy new clothes, I smile more, men come out of the woodworks, I'm complimented constantly about how good and energetic I look (where are those compliments when I'm not at my best???). I look better, I feel better, and life is grand. After all, it feels great to be successful! And I swear EVERY friggin' time that I'll never go back to how I was. I'll never emotional/stress eat, I'll never "let myself go" to that extreme ever again. Yet somehow the weight loss never sticks.

What I have realized each time I've shed the pounds is this: I'm just as discouraged about my lack of success with weight loss and fear of not being able to lose weight (it can be debilitating), as I am about shedding the pounds, and fearing that I won't be able to maintain it. And I have NEVER been able to maintain it long term. I basically feel screwed on either side. That is why I'm afraid to begin again. Fear of failure...not being able to muster the will power to stay gluten-free for a lifetime, etc., fear of success for a short while, followed by failure on the other end. It's a tough spot to be in. It feels hopeless.

The thought that rings true to me now, and what I know from experience, is that being overweight is a symptom. It is a symptom of imbalance on the inside. That could be hormone imbalance, poor digestion, or some other medical-related issue. For a lot of us, though, the "inside" that I'm referring to is emotional/mental.

I know myself well enough now to openly admit that I'm not always the best at coping emotionally and mentally with the stresses and difficulties of life. Mine certainly haven't been more than the average person. We all have our fair share of difficult experiences - death, sickness, stresses of work, school, relationships, fear of the unknown, feelings of inadequacy. These experiences aren't always, but are sometimes, VERY traumatic, and often in unforeseen ways. They leave an imprint. I know that they have left their mark on me...sometimes in ways that seem beyond repair. With this realization, that my weight is a symptom, I am shifting my focus to something less daunting, something that feels good, something focused on healing, and something NOT focused so much on behavioral changes. Focusing on behaviors is like putting a band-aid on an internal issue. For a while, it will appear to heal, only to reopen under the right pressure. The thing is, life will continue to present challenges, many of which I will not be able to control. I don't want my weight loss to occur simply because life's circumstances are good and because I feel empowered momentarily. That type of success for me in the past has been brief. My goal? I must learn to cope with whatever life throws at me in a way that is healthy and beneficial. In essence, I need to take control of my health for different reasons than because of what I see in the mirror. I must come to recognize the past as a blessing, as a learning experience, and then let it go, and move on. I must accept that there is pain, but that there is also joy, and that's part of the experience, too. What I long for more than weight loss, more than rock hard abs, more than anything, is to feel content on the inside. I feel it in waves, and I welcome it with open arms, but I find myself cycling back through the same old garbage as before.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think that weight loss is meant to be this hard. Yes, it is definitely work, but surely there is meant to be joy in it too. Right now, I'm just not feeling the joy as I struggle to count calories or create ridiculous restrictions for myself. So why torture myself?!?! Do I want to be healthy and happy? Absolutely! Am I where I need to be yet? No! But I'll get there a different route, that I'm sure of.

What I feel deep down in my soul is that when change happens on the inside, THEN the outside reflects how we truly feel about the world and ourselves.

I had an experience a few years back that I have been reflecting on for weeks now. I remember setting some really prestigious goals for myself at a certain period of my life. I worked, and worked, and worked. Being my own worst critic, I couldn't see my progress, I felt like I wasn't succeeding. I didn't give up (even though I really just wanted to give those goals the middle finger). I remember shifting my focus to something else...something that, at the time, felt more attainable. AND it just FELT better. It didn't make me miserable. Rather than focusing so much on where I was lacking, I rather acknowledged it, and then decided to focus more on doing things that made me feel good about life, things that helped me to feel successful. Several months later, I paused one day and suddenly realized that I was accomplishing the goals I had long since put out of my mind, NOT being I was obsessively worrying about them (focusing on the behavior), but because I had shifted my mind to something more meaningful and lasting, something that felt rewarding, and that reduced stress, and boosted my confidence. In other words, fix the internal issues, and the external will follow. This makes more and more sense to me, as I contemplate it.

So, yes, I am on a fitness journey this year. But not by the usual definition. I don't feel like doing another behavior-focused program. I know that others will have lasting success doing a raw foods diet, gluten-free, but at the moment, its not for me. If something is meant to become part of my lifestyle, then surely it should be a joyful process, rather than something that turns me into a royal grumpy pants, that wants to eat everything in sight, and is barely hanging on for dear life. For me, that's not living in the moment...that's a binge session waiting to happen (and it will). Here's what I am doing instead to help me get to the right place on the inside.

1) I've been waking up every morning 30 minutes early before work and reading something uplifting, something that gets me thinking, something that I like. I've found this time for reflection to be really valuable. It helps me start of the day feeling like I can check something off my list, and it gets the creative juices flowing.

2) Exercise really does bring me joy and makes me feel good. I'm changing the way I look at exercise, though. In the past, I have sometimes made myself do certain types of exercise because I wanted to look a certain way, or envied a certain type of athlete. It can be miserable making yourself do a certain type of exercise that naturally you just suck at. So why do it, then?! I'm good at swimming, and I love it. So that's what I'm doing. It makes me feel good on the inside and on the outside, and provides lots of good contemplation time. I also find that I think more positive thoughts when I'm doing it, because I know I can. I need that right now. My plan is to add yoga to my exercise routine soon, and I'm excited to see how that goes for me this time around!

3) A couple of principles have really empowered me lately. First, no one else can do this for me. It is up to me. Even though I might feel powerless, the choice is still mine. I can act, and I can change. Second, this is MY journey, and its okay if it doesn't look like anyone else's. Third, its not a race, so I need to pace myself and be patient and forgiving. Fourth, food is NOT protection!!!

4) I am trying to practice mindfulness: by a) being more mindful of how I use my time, and get rid of silly distractions, b) being mindful of how I feel in different situations, c) being mindful of what I'm doing in the moment, rather than thinking ahead to the future, or mulling over the past, and d) being mindful of my actions, such as my tendency to be in autopilot mode when I do certain tasks.

5) Journal writing is something I've been good at in the past, and is something that I would like to start doing again. For me, it's like exhaling after I've been holding my breath for too long. It provides so much insight and relief. I should really start this again...

6) I am eating pretty healthy, with the occasional slip-up. I'm just trying not to freak out over food these days. That mindset is really detrimental to me.

7) I have an ongoing list of little projects that I'm working on. Some of these are crafts, and others involve organizing a certain part of house. What I like is that these things are meaningful and help me feel successful when I can cross them off my list. Also, I've noticed that creating something new or improving a talent, helps me to feel more confident about myself. It reminds me that I've got some useful skills.

8) As often as possible, I am trying to make time for people that I love, people that I can REALLY laugh with, people that REALLY know me, people that remind me that I'll be ok, and I'll make it (Mandy, Maureen, and many others!!!)

9) This mindset is really important: I acknowledge that I have to face my challenges, rather than act like they aren't there, and confront the thoughts that sometimes creep in. I have to be open to where the journey leads, and I have to be open to trying new things.

10) I love essential oils! I use them everyday for different things such as stress, anxiety, fatigue. A few years back I probably wouldn't have been open to trying them out, but my experiences have taught me try new things...and what do you know? They've worked great and have been really fun and interesting to research.

11) Lastly (this actually should probably be #1), I am working to strengthen my relationship with God. I can't do this alone, and realize each day that I need his help. I know that he is the one that can get me to where I should be as long as I make him a part of this.

Does anyone have any other ideas or recommendations?

You know, I do think that this year will be good for me. Hard, but good.  I'm having to retrain my brain to focus less on the physical. It's so hard because of comments I hear daily, or things I see on Facebook or on TV. Right now, truthfully, it's even hard for me to hear about the body image goals and successes of others because I habitually begin the comparison to myself. By their measuring stick, I'm failing. I've cried about that a lot lately. And then I stop and remind myself that my goal is different, but that I'm on a good path. It's going to take me a little while, but I'll get there.