I may not be ____, but I am ___.

I often find that with the beginning of any journey, I am prone to reflect on the past for a bit. I have had a flood of memories wash over me these last few days. Most of them I usually avoid discussing in causal conversation for obvious reasons. Some of them are funny, some of them not so much. Either way, as my friend Mandy stated, this journey that my friends and I are on is real and raw. In all honesty, it has been painful.

I was cognoscente at an early age that I was bigger than other kids. Starting at about the age of 6, I began to pack on the pounds. When I was 10 and expressed some worry about my weight to one of my friends, she said that I just had a lot of "baby fat" and shouldn't worry too much. Nice try, Jenny! Jenny was trying to be nice, but I knew better. Another memory that I am now able to laugh about...I remember discovering with excitement, a freshly baked pie in the kitchen one day sometime during Middle School. As I approached it with great joy, anxiously determining if I would go for a big or bigger slice, suddenly my younger (then, profoundly obnoxious) brother jumped out from around the corner with his hands held together as if he were holding a gun, and yelled, "Step away from the pie!!!" I was mortified. Utter shame and embarrassment. What followed is unclear, but I'm fairly certain he got what he had coming.

During Elementary and Middle School, what I lacked in physical appearance, I made up for in other ways. I was funny, and friendly, and learned to sniff out people's true intentions from a mile away. I managed to snag a few great friends along the way.

The thing that truly saved me through Middle School and High School is that I decided to join a swim team. I had always loved the water, so my parents encouraged me to try out for a local club team. From the second I stepped foot in the water, I knew I had found my natural habitat. I was hooked! I swam competitively from age 12-19. I never truly got my weight under control during those years, most likely due to the excessive (and intentional) carb-loading. I remained on the more plump side; however, swimming made me very strong and boosted my confidence because, as it turned out, I was REALLY good at it. While I wanted to be thin, it wasn't something that brought me a lot of grief during those years because I was so active. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I prided myself on my swimming abilities in spite of my weight. All too often, I would stand on the block prior to a big race and look out at the crowd of people. More often then not, I interpreted their gazes to mean that I didn't stand a chance next to all of the slim, female versions of Michael Phelps. Boy did I show them! I managed to prove them wrong, time and time again.

The emotional burden I feel from being overweight has increased with time. For the past decade, my focus has primarily been my education and now my career. I have had a successful career, but what do I truly have to show for it? I'll answer that...a tire around my waist and a ridiculous amount of stress. I'm in my early 30's, unmarried, with no children, so I spend the vast majority of my time working. About 3 years ago, I decided that I needed a change, so through proper nutrition and exercise, I lost about 70 lbs. I looked great, and felt great, but couldn't seem to get rid of the fat girl in my head, the one that is prone to emotionally overeat. Several really difficult experiences ensued, including the suicide of a close friend, a really bad break-up, and other disappointments that eventually resulted in my not being able to hold it together. Something had to give...so it was my weight. The fat girl in my head won. Since then, I have worked off and on to get my weight under control. I have tried so many things...P90X, detox, gluten-free, sugar-free. I'm really good at all of these things for usually 2-3 months, but then burn out usually. It has been so frustrating!!!

It has finally dawned on me. How can I change my behavior on the outside, if I don't quite have it together on the inside? And that right there, folks, is why I have yet to have lasting results! I recognize that I am currently stuck in some very negative thought patterns, patterns that I desperately want to break. I have to and I need to if I am going to change my lifestyle. These thoughts are impeding me from seeing myself for who I truly am now, and what I can become in the future.

So, here is what I have to say to those negative thoughts...

1) I may not have super skinny, petite legs, BUT I DO have some pretty amazing calves. And guess what...they're entirely genetic. No calf-raises needed here! I would post a picture, but I need to shave my legs. For now, I will leave it to the imagination.

2) I may not be the person that you want to see in a racing swimsuit, BUT I AM definitely the person you want to have with around if you are a) drowning, b) lost at sea, c) pretty much doing anything in water.

3) I may not be thin, BUT I AM strong (see what I did to that medicine ball above). I may have put the weight back on, but I've seen what is underneath this layer (or multiple layers) of chub before, and it is a lot of muscle! I'm excited to see it again!

4) I may not fit the world's standard of beauty, BUT I AM a good, honest person that has wonderful friends and family. I have a great life that brings me joy. What more could a person ask for, really?

5) I may not be "there" yet, BUT I AM trying. And little by little I am succeeding as I make small, but consistent changes.

How often we define ourselves by saying, "I am..." or "I am not..." These are powerful statements and can truly impact our attitudes and ultimately our decisions. I DEEPLY know that what we do on the outside is merely a reflection of what is going on in the inside. That is a bit daunting to me at times, but I'm personally exhausted of the "band-aid" approach to weight-loss. It's not lasting. And I want lasting. Who's with me?!?!

Now, I've given you a few of my "I may not be ____, but I am ___" statements. What are yours???